I am so deeply happy that I disgust myself. I even disgust the people who always wanted me to be this happy - my parents and friends are starting to tire of my incessantly perky attitude and yearn for Dark World Anne to make a comeback. It turns out that the life I always wanted exists in a Manassas, VA basement surrounded by dogs, children, and various fabulous familial adults, working a mediocre insurance job with a horrendous commute, while desperately trying to pay down a massive pile of debt I incurred with my ex-husband. (You know you would have picked this future out of a high school suggestion pamphlet). And they said I'd be happiest in the "sciences." Pish posh! You can't trust statistics, people!
The only problem here is: now that I have what I didn't know I wanted, it's difficult to motivate myself to leave it behind to finish what I thought I wanted back when I was an unhappy, "driven," escapist idiot clinging to this ridiculous display of my intelligence for some semblance self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, five degrees would be great! I'd feel like I accomplished my goal - I'd possibly even have enough education to satiate me and let me spend a few years without that creeping I'M MISSING SOMETHING feeling. I usually hate the idea that I won't get to experience or study everything ever, but lately, it's more like a "that would be nice" thought than an overwhelming, "DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE" all-consuming need. I guess I just don't NEED to do it anymore; I don't really NEED anything more than my people and enough money to get by and fulfill my debts. It's weird! I don't know how to deal with real contentment because I feel like I've been in a desperate, tornadic, "along for the ride of life" mode since my senior year of high school. I'm so good at picking up the pieces and coolly handling the wholly entropic nature of my existence that I almost miss the disarray. It's what I excel at. I honestly don't remember how I am when everything is hunky dory. It's hard to be comfortable in my own skin and feel like this strong amazing woman without "overcoming" something. But truthfully, who cares!?!? I'd rather be happy than strong, and this life is nothing if not happy.
Okay, I think I've reached a new low of laziness! Haha! I'm trying to quit working hard in school because I'm too content... A different approach than most people would take - so it's inventive, Anne, but hardly kosher. I completely know that it's silly to give up now when I'll have so many options for work if I just complete my remaining degrees. I'm thinking too much and making this complicated, but it's simpler than it seems. I'll just stop off in Blacksburg for two more semesters to finish what I started many many years ago.
I think only I could find a way to complain about extreme happiness. Good Lord. Let me rephrase the above statements into what I really mean (when we remove the fear of just relaxing and believeing that this new existence is not going anywhere - is not some beautiful reverie) - I have never felt so cared for, supported, excited, and complete in my life, and for all the people who got me here - from birth to now, good and bad - and for all the people currently helping me rebuild in every way - thank you from the bottom of my heart and I love you more than I could ever tell you. :)
Anyway, here's an ode to my new fulfilling life:
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